I hear voices…

“I’m not good enough, young enough, enough enough”, that’s what the voices say.  There’s a large, dysfunctional family of voices in my head: the shame voice, the fearful voice, I’m too old voice, and this is a stupid blog topic voice! Every day, all day, these voices are the narrators and directors of my life, and sometimes I am not even aware of them.   I am feeling content one moment, and the next moment I am restless and irritable.  If I pause, I can usually identify the voice that flipped the switch from positive to negative for me.  Quite often there is a “SHOULD” involved.  I think the voices have hired “SHOULD” as their enforcer.  Whatever I am doing , I should be doing something else: I should visit my Mother, I should act my age, and on and on the shoulds come.  The dictionary says that should is a “verbal auxiliary”, and that sounds sinister to me.

The other day, my sister, Aileen, and I were talking about how amazing it would be if the voices in our heads were positive and supportive.  What if the negative voices packed their bags, took their verbal auxiliary and moved on, and the kind and loving voices moved in?.  When a friend tells me “no”  she doesn’t want to have dinner with me, instead of “Nobody likes me” or “I am boring”, I would hear “It’s o.k., I have loving friends and sometimes they say no”.  Unfortunately, the negative voices are happy with their home, and have no thoughts of relocating. Meanwhile, they make it very difficult for me to hear any positive or compassionate voices, because they make so much noise. Blah,blah ,blah.

For many years, the board of directors in my head have voted to stay with the devil I know, negative and critical self-talk, rather than risk change.  Recently, there has been some turnover on the board, and some new voices that challenge the voice that tells me I am too old to change.The teeter-totter ( not a computer game) has lots more weight on the years lived end, than on the years left to live end.  I am questioning my own mind.  I hear whispers that tell me I can try new things, do poorly at them, and still have fun.  I meditate and hear the negative voices, but I can let those voices just go thru and out.  I’ve learned that voices that use “always” or “never” are not true, and I don’t listen to  them.  I have learned and lived long enough to always question authority, especially if the authority is my own mind.

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